“I want …”
Happy New Year! I hope 2024 has been kind to you thus far.
I wanted to take this first entry of the year to talk about wishing, yearning, hoping, all of the words that mean there is something you are without and desire to obtain. That is what the New Year festivities are often about, right? Who do you want to be? What are your goals? What are you working towards? They all ask, do you have what it takes to fulfil your potential? Now listen, I’m not going to sit here and talk to you about a new workout schedule or tips to maximise productivity, I want to talk to you about love. I’ve either piqued your interest, confused you or scared you off, but please, stay with me.
Honestly, all I ever write about is love. On this blog, I have spoken of my friends and family, how I have been loved by them and how I like to show love. I have also spoken about the love this world lacks and expressed my frustration with how we could restore that lack if we all chose love. On that note, I do think it’s remarkable that South Africa has taken Israel to the International Court of Justice for their genocidal acts against Palestinians and for their continual breaching of International Humanitarian Law. I didn’t think we would get to this stage last year, but this is a testament to what global solidarity can do. There is still a long way to go, an incredibly long way to go until the Israeli government and its many supporters are held accountable, but freeing Palestine is freeing us from accepting the lies we are sold by oppressors.
Today, I want to discuss a couple of my wishes for the year ahead as I have wanted the same things for the last three years. Those wants fall into two categories, my external relationships with others and my internal relationship with myself.
External - “I want reciprocity”
If you have spoken to me for more than thirty consecutive minutes, then there is a good chance that I have probably brought up relationships with you. It’s my favourite topic! A relationship is literally about how we relate to one another, whether that be platonically, romantically, sensually (*eyebrow raise*), or in a familial manner. When I ask people about the relationships in their lives, they usually assume I solely mean romantic, which leads to a story time on how they met their person, or they say “nah, I’m not seeing anyone right now” followed by a series of side glances as they try to figure out if that was me shooting my shot (I promise you, it wasn’t). Once we get past that, that’s when I’ll come in with “have you read “all about love” by belle hooks?” and go on about how hooks writes about different types of love, then I’ll deliver my brief TEDtalk on how our society’s obsession with romantic love has lead us prioritise romance when in truth, our lives can be transformed by the power of love in other forms, but if romance is the only mode of love that you aim for, you are seriously limiting your experience of life. Then that’s the point where we’ll enter into a juicy discussion where I’m questioning facets of myself that I hadn’t pondered before and they’ll start to re-evaluate their stance on certain ideologies, or, they’ll “go for a smoke” and never return to me (this is the far more likely outcome).
Look, I know that is a bit of an intense interaction, and I’m not on that wavelength every time I meet someone new, but it’s fun to jump into the deep end and see if anyone else is daring to do the same. I enjoy being intentional about getting to know people. I like sitting in front of someone new, being slightly overwhelmed by not knowing where to start, feeling like they are this complex puzzle, only to find that we have many matching pieces. So when I say reciprocity, I mean match my energy or challenge me to match yours. I’ve have been so blessed to have already experienced such relationships via my friends who check up on me just as I was thinking of them (telepathy>normal communication), and family who make me feel less crazy because we’re just as random and affectionate as each other (and we will give each other TEDtalks on literally anything). This is always at the top of my “resolution” list each year because I have known love that want and I just want more of it!
Internal – “I want to be grounded”
When I think of self-improvement, what jumps to mind are body transformations photos. It’s much easier to visualise someone going from one body type to another than to compare photos from before and after someone has learnt how to live with grief, for example. That internal transformation is harder to define. It’s tricky for me to say what I want from myself this year without bringing up a whole list that is too personal to share on here, but the overarching theme is maintenance.
I always want to evolve, learn new things about myself, shed unhealthy ways of thinking, but this year, I feel like I just need to take a pause on the striving. That isn’t because I have hit self-actualisation and I am the perfect, most functional person, that absolutely isn’t the case. Because of the urge that I have to progress into something new, whether that be a mindset or physical space, I can cause myself to get anxious about making moves that I simply don’t have to make, I can just be still. If I exist in a perpetual state of want, I remove myself from my present. There are things that I get to encounter now that 16-18 year old Tuso could only dream of, even October 2023 Tuso would be shocked at my life now in January 2024. All of that to say that this year I want to be grounded. Grounded in the present, in gratitude, in patience.
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I would also love to hear what you would want to hear from me! A few of you been in touch already sharing your thoughts on the blog and I’m grateful for that, thank you! Let me know what you have liked thus far and what you would like more (or less) of, e.g. story times, social commentary, personal reflections etc. You can email me via the contact page, DM me on Instagram or send a carrier pigeon. I have a few pieces lined up that I’m really looking forward to sharing so I’ll you again soon!
