seasonal shifts: why am i not perfect?
Last spring, I had just moved into the house I am living in now and I was so excited to have a garden! With the spirit of the Spring Clean within me, I decided to spruce it up and that meant getting rid of the weeds. The weeds in the flower bed came out easily, but when I got to the lawn, I was digging it up for about two days. I kept snapping the stems of the weeds before I could pull out the root! On day three, I threw in the towel and planted a fresh batch of lawn seed and watered it. A couple weeks later, we had a fresh new lawn, and plenty of new weeds, but it looked slightly more put together than before.
This year’s spring has officially sprung meaning warmer days are on their way to us! A couple weeks ago, we got a brief taste of the sunny days ahead, and I couldn’t help but get excited about summer! Imagining being sat in the park all day, long walks around the city and making the most of days that barely end. Just as I was thinking of donating the jumpers I didn't make use of, the blustering winds came back and my fleeces stayed put (False Spring, it gets me every year). I have always loved summer, and anyone who says that they don’t is trying too hard to be unique because why wouldn’t you love the sunshine?! But my yearning for the sun has been deeper this year, more urgent. I’ll be so real with you, this winter has been so rough to the point where it feels like the sun is the only saving grace! With job insecurity and ever changing relationship dynamics, I need spring to come bearing fruit! I have been reflecting (as always) and I’d like to walk you through my thoughts on the winter I just had and my goals for spring, all whilst making good on my promise to myself to not overshare on the internet.
Before The Sun
October to now has been a little bit insane. Overall, I’ve had an overwhelming feeling of placelessness and a lack of direction. I tried to find comfort in the fact that this is a common feeling for new adults, but it didn’t make it any easier. I joined the rat race when I started a new job which I actually liked, but then it changed drastically so I had to quit. I persisted with freelancing as an art assistant, and that was great but grew infrequent. Then every type of relationship in my life, be that family, friendship and romance, took unexpected turns, and as I am someone who loves a clear plan, “unexpected turns” never go down too well (but I’m learning to relinquish control or whateverrrr).
I am a recovering people pleaser so sometimes it is hard for me to put down boundaries, even if it’s in my best interest just because I want to be liked by people I like. I always get round to saying how I feel, but most recently I took the extra long way round and that made it all the more painful and confusing for the parties involved. For example, I had to put my foot down with a family member in a way that has ultimately changed our dynamic indefinitely. Again, it was for the best as I can no longer trade their approval for a diminished version of my life, but that doesn’t mean it was easy. Similarly, in my friendships and romantic pursuits, I had to implement changes, admittedly some implementations were more graceful than others, but it hurt all the same.
“This is just life, right? This is what all of us are navigating all the time, right? If that’s the case, then why get upset about it?” These are the thoughts that would circle my brain whenever I got close to accepting that I wasn’t doing well. “How can I look at ethnic cleansing across the world, and the ever increasing wealth gap in this country, then cry over the fact that I don’t feel like a real artist?” I couldn’t rationalise it so I didn’t let myself feel my discontentment.
I kept myself busy with the act of creating and the joys of movement. A continual practice of writing forced me to engage with my concerns and desires. I went salsa dancing every week (I meant it when I said thank you, benito) and funnily enough, it was just what I needed to help me out of my slump but we will get into that later. I then threw myself into a state of deep self-evaluation: “What are the patterns that occur in my relationships? What are my expectations? What are these expectations rooted in? Are they healthy? Or have they formed from a self-deprecating belief? What is it that I want? Am I willing to do what it takes to get what I want? When did I start doubting myself? How do I stop doubting myself? If I was once anxious, why am I now avoidant? If I meant one thing, why did I do another? Am I as vulnerable as I think I am? If not, why not?”
I went on, and on and on… until the sun came out!
After The Sun
a text from a friend that was right on time!
For that wonderful week of False Spring, it was adorable to watch my neighbours flock to the little park around the corner, like moths to a flame, to bask in the sun. I was overcome with gratitude and I couldn’t remember what I was so worried about. I would sit in that park every morning with my cup of tea and observe how the landscape would change day to day. One day the gardeners from the council had come by to dig up some of the soil, then the next day the air was thick with the scent of compost, then the following week there were daffodils beginning to bloom. In the same way, I needed newness to bloom in my life.
Firstly, I had to admit to myself that I was unhappy, instead of literally dancing around it. I felt like a failure for so many reasons but many of them were out of my control: the insane job market, other people’s expectations, difference in communication styles etc. On the work front, I did have to be real with myself, I’ve chosen to pursue creative endeavours in one of the most expensive cities in the world, it was always going to be an uphill battle (special shout out to Mily Cyrus’ “The Climb”, that song got me through for real). And all of my favourite creators' lives looked a bit like this at the start - non-linear.
On the relationship side of things, I’ll bring it back to salsa. I typically go for the follower role which means I have to trust the leader’s guidance. The moment I tune out and go where I think they are going to take me instead of following their lead, the dance falls apart. The continuous act of trusting someone else in this dance has shown me how I can lower my guard in other areas of my life and give over to the moment, not my plan (more evidence that dancefloors change lives for the better). I say this, but I know it will take a minute to build this habit.
And as for how I conduct myself, I need to stop treating myself like a problem to be fixed. All winter long, I was managing myself like my garden, digging away, trying to get to the bottom of all of my insecurities, pulling them out one by one, but part of the beauty of nature is that grass can grow wonderfully alongside weeds, and just because it is a weed, doesn’t mean that it is disruptive to the grass (I am not a gardner or botanist so this metaphor is not airtight hehe). I was laughing with a friend the other day because my pinterest feed was calling me out! It displayed a meme that said “you’re allowed to be happy before you’ve fixed everything” and that is something I actually ought to live by. I have pushed people away in the belief that I could only make myself better alone (shout out to Solange’s “Cranes In The Sky”). I’m a big believer that there is a season for everything, and whilst I regret some of my thought patterns or behaviours from winter, I also know that they were necessary to get me to this place where I am willing to evolve, the way we always are.
Some say spring is the real new year. I personally feel like summer is that new year marker but I will enjoy this season of spring and flowers that come along with it, such as being softer with myself and more open to the ebbs and flows of life. If you are in need of a seasonal shift, I hope you feel it / create it soon and get to experience the gentle delights of newness.
